Double shifts, Three days in a row. Completed. Phew.
The past three days were busy. At times hectic. But I made it. The last hour of my shift I dealt with a table of 18. A bunch of teens having a birthday party. The type of group that can be difficult and not so rewarding.
There was a moment when I lost my cool. One girl changed her order after the food arrived. I was blamed for it. It’s not my fault. I basically yelled it. It took everything for me not to drop a four-letter word in there. Is the manager always a A-hole? I asked the always helpful assistant manager. No, you made a mistake, that’s just his way of letting you know.
I grit my teeth. But things eventually began winding down. I apologized to my ASM for getting out of character. No worries, You were stressed. You’re human. Yes. Yes I am human. I make mistakes. But I hated getting blamed for something wrong that wasn’t my fault. Especially when I did a hundred things right and barely got acknowledged. Still, those five magic words…my reward is in heaven.
But I made it. The kids didn’t tip. But Dad and Grandma took care of me thankfully.
I made it through three doubles. Averaged 20,000 steps each day. Made as much in three days as I used to in one forty hour week. At the end of it all, I’m exhausted. But I am so grateful. None of this was supposed to be possible.
July 4th. Fireworks going off outside. Me. At home. Laying on my bed.
A part of me wishes I was out there, enjoying the festivities with my family. An activity I had experienced many times. Not today. Right now, I am home. And I’m content with that.
After all, we had a full day. Waterpark from 10:30 am to 5 pm. Big slides. Winding slides. Tube slides. Wave pool. Lazy river. Turkey leg. Ice cream. Bottomless soda. Sunburned shoulders. Sunburned feet.
Other than having to check my ankle monitor every few minutes and avoiding submerging my feet in the water for too long, it was a normal holiday experience. A fun-filled day.
We capped off the festivities with Tex-Mex from Chuy’s. Unlimited chips and salsa. The steak burrito was good, if not a bit too spicy.
Our plan was to meander around the park afterwards. Hopefully catch a decent view of the fireworks. Didn’t happen. We were exhausted, except for my son. I’m amazed by the boundless energy of a nine-year old boy. We told him it was time to go home. Seeing the tears in his eyes broke my heart.
Watching the fireworks show with my wife and son would have been the icing on the cake. But the cake was sweet enough. No need to feel discontent. Not when life feels this good.
Hours and hours of quality family time. A joyful heart. Who needs fireworks?
Having a grateful outlook is easy when things just start getting better. I remember being able to eat for the first time after waking up from my coma. Being able to walk without assistance. Realizing I was strong enough to play basketball and handball. I remember getting out of jail and treatment centers. My first slice of pizza. My first ice cold soda. The feeling of a soft mattress. Checking my email for the first time. My first embrace with my wife, son, sister. Playing with my dogs again. My first day of work and first big tip. The list could go on.
Those first moments were gold. I felt such a wave of appreciation. I felt like God was smiling down on me, his blessings raining on me. I experienced grace and love and mercy in abundance. I soaked it in and enjoyed each moment. It was easy to do because it had been so long. I had been through so much.
But what happens after those “firsts”? I realize that being grateful for each moment requires practice. Losing that attitude of appreciation comes naturally. Pizza gets old. The soft mattress feels commonplace. Maybe I need a mattress topper. Instead of being grateful I can walk, I complain in my mind about having to walk all the way to the freezer to restock the ranch dressing at work.
It hasn’t happened yet, but it can happen with the people in my life as well. It happened in the past. I took my loved ones for granted. It became a known fact that they would be there for me, day in, day out. Until they weren’t. Until my self-destructive actions destroyed everything I valued in my life.
Today, I realize the importance of being grateful. Grateful for the little things. For the big things. For things that aren’t things. Love. Family. Support. Companionship. Fellowship. Accountability. Responsibility. Freedom. Peace. Life.
I’ve fallen down the slippery of taking life for granted. It happens gradually. But the impact can be felt in one life-altering experience. I know today the work it takes to remain thankful for every aspect of my life. Waking up each morning and having a gratitude list. Telling my loved ones every chance I get that I love them and appreciate them for being in my life. Telling God during the still moments, thank you for this new life.
Things won’t always go my way. What once felt like such a blessing can begin to feel mundane. I’ve felt that before. I can feel traces of it today. Feeling the rain for the first time after being locked in a cell for a year was an exhilarating experience. Riding my bike in the pouring rain after being on my feet for several hours at work can be a downer. Sometimes I catch myself muttering curses. But I refuse to go down that path of discontentment again. I know where it leads.
Today, I am grateful. Today, I look back up at God and I smile back at Him. Even when it rains.
Scenic Views From the Bipolar Rollercoaster 