A Closed Connection

The other day I wrote about a renewed connection. Someone I had met from my past. Someone who promotes living a healthy lifestyle and is an advocate in a field I am passionate about. That connection is still moving forward. I have another training scheduled for tomorrow morning.

This post is about a different kind of connection.

I was sitting on my bed last night. Finishing up my blog post. Munching on a Nutty Bar. A jailhouse favorite. As was my routine I had an NA Zoom meeting playing in the background. I heard a voice that sounded eerily familiar.

I clicked onto Zoom. I looked at the speaker. It was an old friend of mine. Someone who was once very close to me. We had met years ago when I was living in sober living. When I went down my spiral into mania I reached out to him.

We shared similar interests. Similar belief systems. Especially when I was manic. It seemed like we were connecting on many levels. We were working on a business. We were on the verge of greatness. He encouraged me to be myself. To embrace the lifestyle. Live free and in harmony with the universe.

Little did I know that I was feeding my mania. Going deeper into the rabbit hole. Staying up for days at a time. He tried to help me. But there was nothing he could do. I had been with him just hours before I was almost killed last year.

I hadn’t spoken to him since. When I reached out to him I wondered how the past year had been for him. He was in a twelve step meeting after all. But when we talked, it was apparent we were on two different pages. Two paths.

He was still gung-ho about his business plans. While he was clean from substances his mentality hadn’t changed. Go big or go home. Do or die thinking.

I realized through our conversation that this was a connection I could not reopen. I could see how his entrepreneurial spirit appealed to me in the past. His lifestyle choices. But the person I’ve become over this past year did not vibe with his spirit.

I know what is healthy for me today. I know what brings me peace. I did not have that sense of peace while talking to him. Speaking to him at length served as a sort of barometer for how much I’ve changed since my near-death experience. The things that used to appeal to me seemed so foreign now. It felt like our connection was part of a dream from long ago. I could feel that dream trying to pull me back.

But I enjoy living today in this new reality. A reality where God is present. Not through a series of surreal connections. But through a deep sense of serenity. From constant prayer and daily meditation. From confirmation through God’s word, His people, and His creation.

Before we hung up we agreed that we would lead separate lives. Go on separate paths. We still have love for each other. He is a good person. But some connections are meant to remain closed. And to finally get that closure is a good thing.

I’ve been robbed

As I shared yesterday, I opened up a new bank account. While I was opening the account, there were some issues with my online account. It stated there had been suspicious activity. I just assumed that it was due to the fact that when I was manic I had made several changes to my address in rapid succession.

Today, I logged in to my bank account. I transferred money to my father to pay him back for bailing me out. I was starting to feel that sense of responsibility and achievement. Then I scrolled down to my transfer history.

Someone had transferred over $700 out of my account in July of 2019. I have the person’s name and email. I know exactly who it is. In the middle of the psychotic episode that nearly cost me my life, I had left my phone with a “friend”. While I was in the hospital, fighting for my life, this person was stealing money from my bank account.

Several months ago, I had logged into my Google account and noticed that he had kept my phone. He had also taken pictures of my Samsung smartwatch, likely to sell it online. I chalked it up to my psychotic episode. I give away everything in these episodes. I forgave him for using my phone and selling my watch. Besides, I had given away and lost much more than that.

But as I was scrolling and seeing the numerous transactions he had made, as well as the date, my mind began to race. I started to seethe a little. How dare he steal money from me when I was struggling to stay alive. Did he just assume I would die? Did he really believe he could get away with this? I need to call the bank and the fraud department and report him.

Then, I could feel God poking me. Vengeance is not mine to give. Love. Forgive. I didn’t even realize I had $700 that was stolen. I didn’t miss the money. Why lose my peace over an incident that didn’t affect me in any way? Sure, $700 is not a small amount of money. But I refuse to lose sleep over it.

Perhaps this person needed it more than I do. Perhaps he was taking advantage of a situation because it was presented to him. Either way, I know I am not one to judge one’s actions. Especially since I’ve done plenty of wrong in my short time on this earth.

Maybe I will call the bank and alert them what happened. Maybe I won’t. But regardless of what I do, I know that anger and bitterness is not and can not be the motive for my actions.

If I can get the money refunded back to me, I’ll see it as another blessing from God. If not, I’ll chalk it up to my foolish actions during my episode. But I will have rest, knowing that God gives, God takes away, and at the end of the day, I’m blessed.