Chasing the wind

Money. Career. Accomplishments. A family. Love. Pleasure. Social standing. Belonging.

In and of themselves, any of these can be considered normal goals. I’ve pursued after most if not all of these at some point in my life. Yet, I was never able to attain a lasting satisfaction. Even after checking the boxes. Decent paying job. Check. Promising career. Check. Good family life. Check. Loving wife. Check. House with mortgage. Check. A few zeroes in the bank account. Check.

I had these things for awhile. I loved life for awhile. And I still threw everything away. Something was unresolved in my soul. A silent sickness. An addiction that I refused to address. The type of cognitive dissonance that drives a wedge between me and God.

To the world, to my family, to my church, life was good. While I thought I was being a “good Christian”, I was living a double-life. How did it happen? Through a general numbing. The first lie felt bad. But the second one, less bad. The third, even less. Until I was completely numb to my conscience. During brief moments of reflection, I told myself I would stop. Every time. But I didn’t. One cover-up led to another. One deception gave birth to another. And another. Until my whole world became a house of cards. Waiting for the hammer to fall. And when it did, my beautiful illusion was destroyed in a moment.

Today, I have a better understanding of how such things happen. Not in one moment of weakness. It happens when I chase external things to satisfy. It happens when I lose contact with God. It happens when I ignore that little voice. When I lose that sense of peace. When my moral compass is jolted and I do nothing to recalibrate.

Today, my compass feels calibrated. It’s not pointed towards material things. Nor is it pointed towards “good” things. It is pointed at peace. The sense of peace that can be fleeting. If I allow it. If I allow myself to be blown away by the winds of temptation, anxiety, physical and soulish desires.

Peace. The sense of peace that comes from living in God’s will. I know how difficult it is to keep. To maintain. It is something I need to protect with moment by moment vigilance. It is a full-time job. Thankfully, I have the best employer. With God’s assistance, my life has become less of a chase and more a daily walk.