Take the wheel

I’m getting closer to getting a car. I have a vehicle in mind. It is from extended family. A trustworthy source. It’s reliable. Well-maintained. It’s even luxurious in some ways. Very reasonable price. A really great deal actually. All good things.

I actually have been praying about a car for awhile now. No, I haven’t been asking God for a fancy car. I don’t usually pray for material things. But knowing my past, I realize the importance of giving this matter to God.

On more than one occasion I’ve gotten a car and then lost it due to my mania. One time I gave away a new-to-me Jetta to a drug dealer. Another time I traded in the family Civic for a new Alfa Romeo. It got repossessed only a month later.

In both cases you could say that the car was a trigger. Having a car opens up a world of possibilities. Positive and negative. For someone with bipolar and manic tendencies, a car can take me to places I don’t need to go. Places that were difficult to get to in the past become easily accessible.

Therefore it is important for me to tread lightly. Exhibit caution. Yes, I prayed for the right car to come along. But here comes the real test. A new world to explore. Much potential for positive things. Work opportunities. I can see my wife and son more easily. But also the shady parts of town and unhealthy people are just a few minutes away now.

How can I stay in a recovery mindset and keep myself safe? A few ideas have come to mind. One way is to be deliberate with my car usage. Use it to get to in-person weekly therapy sessions. Have a set twelve-step meeting schedule. Organize times with my wife and son on a regular basis. Carve out time for playing basketball with my roommate. Reconnect with healthy friends.

Another thing that I have already put in place was to share my location with my close family. I know it’s not for everyone. But for me, it is an extra level of accountability. Sure, invasion of privacy could be a point of contention. But in my life today there is no place I go where I wouldn’t want people to know about.

My goal is honesty. Sharing my location is a tool that encourages this sort of transparency. It makes me think twice before going someplace unsafe. It could help build trust with my loved ones. And if it lets them sleep better at night knowing where I am, it’s worth it. I owe them that much for putting up with me and supporting me all these years.

I know that getting a car can be a tool used for my downfall. It has happened before. My family has asked me, am I ready for a car? I’ve had the money for several weeks. I was waiting for the right car. The right timing. To answer their question, I believe I am ready as soon as I acknowledge my limitations and create the appropriate safety nets.

I guess that time is now. God, let this car be a tool only for your purpose. I had to add that only. I can’t afford for it to be for anything else. But I also look forward to this next step in my recovery journey.