Medication

My journey with medication began when I was 18 years old. Fresh off a turbulent manic episode I was introduced to psychotropic medication. Mood stabilizers. Anti-psychotics. Depakote. Seroquel. Klonapin. Lithium.

I was on such a high dose that I slept through most of the day. When I was awake I felt groggy. I felt like a shell of myself. I didn’t feel creative. I didn’t feel spontaneous.

Yet that was the price I believed I had to pay to stay out of the hospital. My first manic episode was costly. I had to leave college. I didn’t know if I would be able to go back. So I was willing to try anything to get my life back to normal.

Slowly I tapered off certain medications. I eventually I was on a manageable dose of Lithium. But I still didn’t feel like myself. I felt like a zombie. So I would use alcohol and marijuana to feel “alive”. To feel different. The marijuana especially would send me into another frame of mind. Eventually the high THC content of potent weed would trigger a manic episode.

That cycle would continue for most of my twenties. Eventually my mania would lead me to jail. It seemed like jail was the one place where the medication had a chance to work effectively. I was in a controlled environment for weeks. Months sometimes. Years. I was off all other substances.

It was in jail in 2012 when I was finally able to get off Lithium. I began taking Depakote instead. A milder mood stabilizer. I felt leaps and bounds better. But it still had some side effects. I still didn’t feel that creative spark. It affected my libido. In some ways I still felt emotionally numb.

I dealt with these side effects for seven years. I was still able to thrive in spite of them. But they did cause a ripple effect in my life, especially in my marriage, that eventually couldn’t be ignored. I won’t blame my actions solely on the medication. But it did have a real effect.

When I was locked up again after the last episode and the “incident”, I ended up being put on Seroquel and Trazodone. For the first time since I was 18 I was completely off mood stabilizers. The medicine I was put on helped me sleep and were in the anti-psychotic category.

I realize today that my main issue has always been with psychosis. Yes, I have bipolar disorder. But my mood is fairly consistent. It is only when I allow myself to spiral into mania when I get in trouble.

The medicine helps keep the intrusive thoughts at bay. The I’m-Jesus-it’s-the-end-of-the-world-thoughts. The conspiracy-theory-Illuminati-CIA thoughts. Sure, I might still have certain ideas about the world. But I can shut the faucet off. I don’t follow these ideas down never-ending rabbit holes.

Sometimes I feel like I’m seeing the world with a new set of eyes. I can actually feel. I can appreciate the beauty of the stars twinkling next to the moon. I can feel the sadness from missing my wife and son. I can experience the love of God in a way I haven’t in the past. I can feel grateful for all the positive developments in my life today.

I realize that medication management can be one of the most difficult issues for someone with bipolar. The on-again off-again see-saw. But I can honestly say that it gets better. Things may get worse at first. But life can be worth living again.