4th Step

The infamous 4th step of AA. The step where I list my resentments. My grudges. Unresolved issues. In the rooms this is a step that a lot of people relapse over.

Today I called my sponsor to go over my 4th step. The process of going over the list is essentially the 5th step. I had held off on calling him for awhile. I knew it would be a long conversation. I guess I was procrastinating.

But I’m glad I did it. When we went through my list, I realized that I don’t have many resentments left. Yes I am still annoyed with police. The county. The county hospital. The “friend” who stole from me. They did me wrong. But I’ve come to terms somewhat. I understand my part. I see where my manic symptoms could have been misunderstood. If I had taken care of my health I wouldn’t have put myself in a situation to be brutalized or taken advantage of.

Resentments kill. They eat away at our souls. Anger. Hatred. Ill will. These are elements that have no place in my recovery. They have no place in my life. I can’t hold a grudge and have peace at the same time. The negative thoughts and feelings block my connection to God.

When I opened up to my sponsor I noticed that I had already let go of many of my resentments. My process of letting go was through this blog. Reflecting on all the trauma. The tough situations. The hurt. Taking the weight off my shoulders and onto the keyboard. The daunted 4th step ended up not being so bad after all.

The hardest step for me will be making the list of people I had harmed. Making amends. It’s a step I had never done in the past. But I realize the longer I stay in recovery, the more God provides opportunities to make things right.