A Closed Connection

The other day I wrote about a renewed connection. Someone I had met from my past. Someone who promotes living a healthy lifestyle and is an advocate in a field I am passionate about. That connection is still moving forward. I have another training scheduled for tomorrow morning.

This post is about a different kind of connection.

I was sitting on my bed last night. Finishing up my blog post. Munching on a Nutty Bar. A jailhouse favorite. As was my routine I had an NA Zoom meeting playing in the background. I heard a voice that sounded eerily familiar.

I clicked onto Zoom. I looked at the speaker. It was an old friend of mine. Someone who was once very close to me. We had met years ago when I was living in sober living. When I went down my spiral into mania I reached out to him.

We shared similar interests. Similar belief systems. Especially when I was manic. It seemed like we were connecting on many levels. We were working on a business. We were on the verge of greatness. He encouraged me to be myself. To embrace the lifestyle. Live free and in harmony with the universe.

Little did I know that I was feeding my mania. Going deeper into the rabbit hole. Staying up for days at a time. He tried to help me. But there was nothing he could do. I had been with him just hours before I was almost killed last year.

I hadn’t spoken to him since. When I reached out to him I wondered how the past year had been for him. He was in a twelve step meeting after all. But when we talked, it was apparent we were on two different pages. Two paths.

He was still gung-ho about his business plans. While he was clean from substances his mentality hadn’t changed. Go big or go home. Do or die thinking.

I realized through our conversation that this was a connection I could not reopen. I could see how his entrepreneurial spirit appealed to me in the past. His lifestyle choices. But the person I’ve become over this past year did not vibe with his spirit.

I know what is healthy for me today. I know what brings me peace. I did not have that sense of peace while talking to him. Speaking to him at length served as a sort of barometer for how much I’ve changed since my near-death experience. The things that used to appeal to me seemed so foreign now. It felt like our connection was part of a dream from long ago. I could feel that dream trying to pull me back.

But I enjoy living today in this new reality. A reality where God is present. Not through a series of surreal connections. But through a deep sense of serenity. From constant prayer and daily meditation. From confirmation through God’s word, His people, and His creation.

Before we hung up we agreed that we would lead separate lives. Go on separate paths. We still have love for each other. He is a good person. But some connections are meant to remain closed. And to finally get that closure is a good thing.